I wrote this on... cuz i was feeling really jealous of people around me and probably hormonal too (my period started that day)
"May 14, 2009
I just feel sad...so many reasons whynot married...not sure if or when i will get married.
not pregnant...can't even begin there. i feel like if I kept the baby...maybe i'd feel better more worth something to someone. but again if i'm feeling that way now...it may just escalate with a baby.
i feel alone and unwanted...like i'm not worth it to anyone...but I could just be feeling sorry for myself again cuz i'm not married (or i should say not marriage material) and I'm not pregnant. but whoa is me..."
May 18,2009
I talked to Steve and he felt like I was being shallow for wanting to "get married". He said he felt like it didn't matter who I married just that I had the act of marriage. I can see how he would feel like this...but its not. Because if it was I would have left him a long time ago. I think its just the fact that so many people around are having babies or getting married and I feel like my life is so boring. But I should be thankful. Thankful that I have Steve, which I really am thankful for. It was so hard just finding someone that I love and who loves me back unconditionally. I used to think that because he didn't care if i was dressed up that he didn't care that I looked nice anymore...but I think now its that he loves me inside and out...regardless of my appearance.
I just want to be happy... and for some reason in my twisted mind MARRIAGE and CHILDREN equal happiness. But it shouldn't be defined that way. I mean look at my life now. It was never the picture perfect, following my mother's wishes to the "t" type of life.
Briefly here is my life... after high school
* I graduated high school with no actual goals, because I honestly love H.S. and the friends I had. I didn't want to leave like so many of my friends wanted to leave. I loved my family and the place I grew up, so again I had no desire to go off exploring. At one point I did propose to my parents that I move to Las Vegas (hello, hindsight!) and I made a pretty darn good argument for it. But they were too clingy and I also was scared to leave the nest.
* I went to University of San Diego, which was an hours commute from my South Bay home and I managed, but I also worked full time at my aunts Dental office. I was definitely not ready for college and people outside of my H.S. bubble. I felt depressed and so left USD for a community college.
* I went to Southwestern Community College for two years I think at which point I was convinced I would be a NURSE. Of course my mother was escstatic that I was pursuing such a great field. I got accepted to Point Loma Nazarene University...which again was a commute and again I failed. It was too much on my plate and honestly I probably am not cut out to be a Nurse. People think Nurses have to be kindhearted and loving. Truth is, they have to tough as nails and have a brickface most times because if you let in the people you are treating, its get too emotional and hard. I had a hard time separating the two.
* I left PLNU and went back to SWC...at which point I was completely lost. The whole time I was in college and trying to find a career, my love life was mute. I had a couple of guy friends, none of which turned into anything serious.
* Then during christmas break...I think 2004 my family and I went to Las Vegas to visit. Thats when I met Steve. Steve was one of Shaun's (my cousins) best friends. At the time when I met Steve I was actually hung up on a guy friend (someone who was toying with my emotions) and I just didn't see anyone else cuz I was so distraught over this guy. Steve said I acted like a bitch...which I believe. We had gone to a movie, Shaun, Steve, Lance, PJ and I and saw "Bewitched". When we went to the theater, Steve had gone up ahead of us and paid for his ticket and I had decided while he was doing that that I was going to pay for everyone (a belated bday gift for Shaunie)...but he had paid for his ticket and it was too late. We joke about that from time to time.
* We left home for San Diego and at the time I just thought Shaun had nice friends. Later that year I came back to Las Vegas on a road trip with my girls and met up again with Steve. At that time I was trying to set him up with Alelie (not a good combo..she looks like his grandma :(...) Buy I had no idea that Steve had started to like me. Joy said she could tell...
* Left again for San Diego and came back i forget exactly when, but it was when my relatives from PI came down and we come up to Las Vegas to visit them. I was showing them around Vegas (at the time it was just Kitty and Kenz) and they were really jet lagged and probably depressed about leaving PI. I think my uncle dropped us off at the Venetian and we were going to wait for Shaun to get off work. It was a little bit too long of a wait for the cousins, so Shaun called Steve to help pick us up and drop us off home.
* This is when I noticed Steve. He was a little taller than me, very skinny at the time. He wore a leather jacket and he just had a really cute face.
* He took us to our auntie Mila's house and we just hung out. It gots a little hazy here for me...me and my bad memory...but I think we went bowling later that night when Shaun got off.
* When I left back for San Diego this time, all I could think about was Steve...I texted Shaun later on to give Steve my number and to call me... and basically it bloomed from there. Even though it was a long distance relationship, he made me feel special (even though he didn't know at the time that I was crazy too).
* Steve secretly came down to SD for a couple visits, so we could further our relationship and at some point I just realized that he was the man for me. I wanted to be with him. I remember asking him though if this long distance relationship would work? He said no (honest Steve) because it would be too difficult. To me that only meant one thing...that I move up to Las Vegas. It made sense to do so too and it was what I wanted out of high school. I didn't have any long term goals in SD or any permanent commitments. My parents kept trying to get me into the military (air force, navy, whichever), but my heart just wasn't in it. So it made sense that I moved out to Las Vegas, lived with my Auntie Mila and just started a new life there.
* At first I would just tell people I was moving out to start over and it was somewhat true. But honestly I was moving out to keep our relationship. Before Steve the longest relationship I had was with Marc and it was two months, most of which I barely saw him, but I wanted to make Steve and I work.
* So I moved to Las Vegas in August 2006, lived with my aunt, found a job at a dental office, and by December I had begun to move in with Steve into his condo.
So should I be jealous of Jesse and Risse, my cousin in PI (Mary Grace who got married and now has a baby on the way), or Charlie and Geoff? Sure its ok...but I'm not going to let it affect our relationships. I am also really happy for them. It just not happening at this moment for me. And I have to learn that its ok. Steve wants to be with me and thats what makes me happy. That we found each other and it works.
